Why So Angry?

Blue flame of simmering anger.

Good question.

I suppose the underlying lubdubbing pulse of the thing is simply "that's not fair." This has been a greatest hit on my own personal top ten list of self talk that drums in my brain. Whatever the circumstance. Whatever the situation. You can bank on the idea that there is a voice seething and simmering, "That's not fair." Sometimes the voice is small and barely audible, sometimes SCREAMING and cursing. Yet, there I am, sitting in a funk of injustice.

Does astrology pay any part in it? Is this a LIBRA thing? Not only am I not sure that it's true, I'm not sure it really matters or explains anything. I'm not sure understanding the voice is as important as listening to it and allowing it to be. I have never tried making friends with this voice. It just kind of pops up and then I hate on it and it quiets down for a bit, but never really goes away.

I have heard for my whole life that "Life's not fair." Though it may be true, it's a very unsettling notion to delve into. Think about how unfair life truly is. People who are corrupt get to make millions of the backs of others without (seemingly) a consequence. People betray their significant others and walk off into a (supposed) happily ever after with someone else. The unfair distribution of illnesses and diseases. How many times have we known someone where we mutter, "she just can't catch a break"? For some people it's far too often. Then there is hypocrisy tangled in the giant ball of confusion. Why is it ok for others to point fingers across the way and say it's wrong, when that very crooked finger belongs to one doing the same thing? And they have support and followers and people defending them. There are the injustices of those striving to be Twitter somebodies stealing the tweets of Twitter nobodies. The Twitter nobody has a small following; no one would notice or care, except for the Twitter nobody. It's beyond not fair; it's not right. From the trivial of how people age better than others to the terminal and how people remain healthy and others battle illness after illness, injustices abound. I truly could go on for pages and days with examples.

I do wonder about God. Is there such an entity? What would she say about such injustices? Why so quiet, God, hmmmm? Yet, I mean no disrespect. Is God just an inner Truth within ourselves? No doubt that meditation creates a calm wisdom for me where I just "know" what to do about things. Is it the silence? Is it inner knowing? Is it God? I have no idea, just more questions and confusion.

So, why am I so angry? It's not fair all the things that I could rattle off that have happened in my life. All the injustices myself and my loved one have experienced and witnessed. When I begin adding in injustices of strangers and people treated unfairly because of skin color or sexual preferences, or physical ailments or obesity or... or... or... it becomes overwhelming and breath is shallow. The anxiety gnashes in my gut and I don't see any way out.

Except for breath. Slowing. Listening. Paying attention. Sometimes just stopping the narrative and story can stop the anger from prickling over my skin and contaminating my thoughts, clouding my perspective, "ruining my day".

So, this is where I begin: allowing that anger for the injustice of... vasculitis, cushing's syndrome, being 100 pounds over weight (obese), aging, sexual assault scars, being insecure and an unread writer, the scars that cover my body, not feeling good enough in all aspects of life when compared to others as I see it... to just be here.

To welcome them.

To allow them to just simmer.

To just notice. And breathe.

Perhaps even make friends with them.

I have no idea where this will lead.

I just know this is where I am to start.