Starting Over. Again.

Sigh.

As change continues to prove itself as being constant, it has been sort of a comfort to know that I only need to worry about the first step of my journey right now. To think about the entire thousand miles (100 pounds) is too overwhelming.

I'm not sure if it is a human condition or a lazy human's condition, but taking that first step (especially when it's staring over. AGAIN), can sometimes be tremendously difficult. Fear --doubt, insecurity, lack of confidence, etc.-- they are all responsible for keeping me stymied. When my refusal to budge is at its worst, I find myself stuck in this vortex of negativity that spirals into doom and it feels impossible to find the motivation and courage to take just one baby step forward. I do reflect on all the times where I have been terrified of that first step, where that first step was actually a ginormous leap into the unknown, not only did I survive, but it felt amazing. So, why do I continue to allow fear to keep me where I am at? Is this because I have deeper reasons for staying stuck and in the skin I'm in? Perhaps. I am well aware of my own psychology that keeps me trapped in my fat suit, terrified of shedding the pounds. If I'm thin and still rejected, then what? Being 100 pounds overweight has become the perfect excuse for why I like to believe I'm unlovable and undatable (even if it is not true). There are other beliefs that get rolled up into that, usually about men and how superficial they are. Everyone knows men hate fat chicks, or so I tell myself, not even bothering to challenge the validity or truth of the ingrained belief.

So, why now and why this space to confess all this? Art & Soul work. I'm in the chapter where I'm encouraged to keep a daily blog for at least one week. Since the original intent of this blog was to be open and honest about a true journey into weight loss and emotional transformation, as well as write in an authentic voice. So, I thought I'd revamp this blog. I do have others. Yes, plural. Talking to myself online is not one my favorite things (hence why I have not been on Twitter in over a year) and blogs being an oversaturated medium, as well as the growing popularity of the Vlog pretty much keeps me inconsistent on any of my blogs. Yet, here I am. At least for a week.

Basically, I'm still 100 pounds over weight (97 pounds to be exact; I have managed to keep 3 pounds off since beginning this blog---it's tiny victory anyway, right?). Last week, I started the workouts again. I'm not gonna lie, it's difficult to begin each workout each day, but afterward, I do feel incredibly accomplished. To have that mild soreness in hidden muscles makes me feel as if I'm actually doing something for myself and feels pretty good. I'm flat out bored with my work out regimen, but it is effective, is only 30 minutes a day and it's an indoor workout during summer. Let's face it, walking outside/exercising in summer is not a part of Julie Andrews' favorite things song for a reason (here is Bjork's version). I also am not, nor have I ever been a gym rat. I never thought I was much of a germaphobe, but working out in a gym (as well as public pools, public hot tubs) turns me into one. I also, am not interested in having to worry about what I wear or flexing my supposed fabulousness at a gym, or feel insecure next to someone else flexing their supposed fabulousness. There also is a very real hatred for fat folks (that I will get into at some point this week, or I hope to); even at a gym, where we should be welcomed for wanting to change. Sigh. I also don't want to buy a new DVD (I have too many as is) or dust off any of the workouts I've ripped out of countless fitness magazines from years past. So, I press on with 21 Day Fix workouts. Again, because they are effective and short. Yep, that would be more of my lazy human conditions.

I gave up on Weight Watchers Free Style in May because my account was cancelled for some reason. Being a lazy human, I didn't follow through with figuring out why this had happened and didn't want to be bothered with the hassle of fixing it. I simply made sure I wasn't being billed for it and then went back to MyFitnessPal app on my phone to update my food log daily.

So, in total transparency, I pretty much stayed on my eating plan yesterday, with the exception of a semi-controlled, mindful eating of Bugles while watching television. It wasn't on my food program, but I felt like it was progress to be mindful and not eating the entire bag. I did stop without "ruining" my program or progress and I do not loathe myself for indulging. I currently have zero guilt about that choice last night (thank you, Geneen Roth). It is super important for me to make friends with food. No more forbidden foods while losing 100 (cough. 97. cough) pounds.

The main goal of all this blathering is to give an honest and authentic voice to the challenges and struggles of losing weight, while becoming more mindful.

So. I am back at this again. I think one of the important lessons I am learning is that restarting is a natural part of the process. It is not something of which to be ashamed. No embarrassment is necessary (or frustration, self-hatred, etc.). Today and in the future I am sure to fall short of the mark and will need to pick myself up and dust myself off. At these various times I need to be willing to start again without self loathing and negativity. It's imperative to keep "failure" and other negative "loser" words out of it. They don't belong as a part of my life journey.

And now is one of those times to begin again, to dust off and create new goals.

So, here I go again (on my own. Sorry. The Whitesnake just jumped in there, in part due to a resurgence in a television ad---oh and the link to the video I shared stars thin, beautiful Tawny Kitaen. Posting this link on a fat woman's blog about losing weight allows for a nice, loud shout out to irony. Enjoy ;]).

Walk in authenticity and with courage, my good peeps.

\m/\m/