Renewal.

Tomorrow is all about sunrise beach meditation and homemade french toast. It has been too long since either of those things have happened as I have been too involved in taking life way too seriously.

Since my last post, I have gained and lost the same 7 pounds. I invoked the muses for my writing, then abandoned and ignored them beyond what any mortal being would remain patient. I have disconnected from just about all social media, including submittable, and am still tweaking the same poetry book that I was looking to have finalized and published on blurb by December 2018.

Ginormous sigh.

It has been two months of mostly living without awareness with a few sprinkles of spiritual practices along the way. There have been therapeutic beach outings with a friend. Coffee with friends. Dinners. Movies. Pizza. A super bloody wolf moon and reconnecting with crystals. Removing junk from the condo. A new mattress. Glimmers without consistency.

Twelve days ago was a catalyst for change when I cried on my way to work. Work was becoming terrible, no matter how much I knew I taught at a good school and it wasn't as bad as shingles or Vasculitis. I remembered to be full of gratitude and count my blessings. I knew exactly all the things that were most definitely worse. And yet, I still was growing accustomed to crying on the way home from work. But, this particular cry on the way to work was something new and profound. It was a completely different animal. When I walked into school that day, a couple kind souls confirmed that I looked as much of a wreck as I felt with the hugs and pep talks before I hoofed up the stairs. I knew something had to change. I knew the answer wasn't an online quiz to figure the name for was what was wrong with me or medication or therapy. Not this time. There was this inner knowing; I had to breathe and meditate. So, I ignored the stack of papers on the cluttered table that I had no motivation to grade and booted up the computer to reconnect with calm.com. I picked up on day 4 of the 7 days of calm series that I hadn't listened to in 3 months.

Since that moment, I completed those 7 days and began 21 days of calm. I poked around on the site, enjoying other meditations. I began listening to soundscapes at night and even when I was feeling stressed as I drove.

I'm still am judgmental as hell and can get stressed and anxious. I still haven't found my way back to the yoga mat. I'm still working my way through that same 7 pounds, to push past and make it 10 and continue on. It has become a little easier to move through my irritation and accept my own breed of funkiness and fallible humanness. In turn, I am better equipped to deal with people, not hating them so much and becoming more patient.

This is not a place of writing pretty words or being perfect. Ok. I don't want glaring grammatical errors on here, but this is not the blog for me to be over clever, witty or showcase my writing. If I am gleaning anything from these meditative 12 days, it is that mediocre just might be the best I can produce in all my creative endeavors. There are other truths equally as disturbing to my ego, but I'm accepting those as well. It is a beautifully messy and horrific journey with nice surprises and moments. I'm finding my playfulness and humor again. Why so serious?

Slowing down and taking time to do meditate has helped me reconnect with what still needs to be done. I have plans to finish my poetry book. I want to pick up the guitar again. Practice yoga again. Pack up the condo. De-clutter. Move out. Update the resume. Write the cover letter. Be more active on this blog, to check in during this journey. I'd like at least one more piercing. And then, one day, I will get back to the meditation center in Jesup, Georgia and sit another 10 day course. But right now, I'm getting back to breath and the beach. These are the first steps of self care that have been imperative in changing my perspective and mellowing me out a bit. Which reminds me that maybe it's time to reconnect with Olivia Newton-John again too.

Mahalo, my good peeps.

May you walk in beauty and continue being great.

\m/\m/