What You Don't Change, You Choose

A friend posted this on FB this weekend: "What you don't change, you choose." It was this beautiful and colorful piece of art. Yet, it pinched me. My knee jerk reaction was a sigh and puckered face. I was shutting down and resisting. It gnawed at me. It bothered me. I just wasn't sure about this quote. I rattled off all the things I didn't like about the life I am currently living. No way I chose the things I don't like. No way.

Then today, I found myself exploring a couple parks (this has become a Sunday venture for me for the last three weeks---though today, I did not pay my usual respects to the gravesites I visit) and this quote popped in my head again. This time, it clicked. That I'm NOT making the changes I want to make is, in fact, a choice. When I am grading papers or working on modules rather than writing, I choose to be the job rather than a writer. When I choose to order the Pizza Hut pizza (and divide it to eat across the week, thinking this is somehow better), I choose to not follow the food plan that I know works best for my body. I choose to be swollen and sluggish. When I choose to watch TV or play online games, I decide to do those things rather than pick up the guitar or create music that I want. When I don't clean out the junk or do the work, I choose to stay stuck and cluttered. That I am not working to actively change any of these things that I say I want, I am, in fact, choosing to do none of those things.

So, I went back to my friend's FB post and commented something about my realization that I had a lot of work to do to start making some changes. Her response was the best. I do not mean that hyperbolically. I cried as all this was clicking. I was feeling rather let down and overwhelmed, so her supportive response was perfect to comfort my metaphorical fetal position. It was the best.

So what does any of this have to do with losing 100 pounds (or even Oliva Benson from SVU in the giphy)? Well, for the goal of losing 100 pounds, there was at least one, successful, positive change, such as working out 6 times this week. I mostly ate on program and tracked all my food---ALL of it (including the non cheat day cheats) on the MyFitnessPal app. However, by this morning, I was up another 4 pounds on the scale than I had been last week. I understand starting a new workout routine could lead to a slight weight gain. This actually happened the first time I began exercising again after 2 years of struggling to walk. So, this was the first week I had vigorously worked out since November or December 2020. That could be part of the increase on the scale. The non scale measurements of how clothes fit and measurements would support this. However, I also ordered a medium pepperoni pan pizza Tuesday night. I only ate two pieces that night before splitting the rest of the pie into two piece servings and storing in the freezer (with the plan of enjoying on cheat day). However, I ate two pieces each night for the entire week. Even though this indulgence is fine, according to the if it fits my macros (IIFMM) mindset, this is NOT how I've been trained or want to use macros. For 11 weeks, tracking macros has been mostly clean eating of real food. I've eaten great food using amazing recipes. I've eaten real food and had incredible energy. I don't want to begin adding pan pizza to my daily menu just because it fits my macros. This is still junk food and food that should be in moderation / saved for cheat day. I think the scale substantiates why I don't want to use IIFMM junk eating on my macros program.

This leads to Sergeant Benson in the giphy above. Her profession that there is a lot of work that needs to be done is relevant. Yep. There sure is a lot of work to be done here, in my life, right now. Having the courage to face it, leaning into the disappointment and allowing the tears, without running to food for comfort, learning from the setbacks is all important. Her somber assertion that there is a lot of work, is profound. It is a reoccurring theme for me on this journey.

My final bit of inspiration and learning comes from a play I read about Wilma Rudolph three weeks ago. Wilma Rudolph has been a personal hero of mine for years now. At the height of my own immobility from vasculitis, I was incredibly inspired by the story of a black girl wearing braces on her legs due to polio, who was told she would never walk again. This girl's mother told her not to believe she wouldn't walk again and drove Wilma an hour to the doctor (because of Jim Crow laws). This girl had a fighting spirit and ultimately became a gold medalist and the fastest woman alive! It makes me cry every time I think of the highlights of her life. I thought of Wilma Rudolph again today, remembering a scene in the play where she is at a low point after losing every single race in a track meet. She was defeated and depressed, but used that to train harder and propel herself forward. Like Wilma Rudolph at that moment and Sergeant Benson in the giphy above, I acknowledge I have much work to do. I'm confident I can and will do this, no matter the heartbreak, tears, and disappointment. In this moment, I am committed to change. It's the only choice that makes any sense. Let's see where I am next week---or even tomorrow when work promises to bring a new round of "what the fuckery" and stress.

Until then, walk in beauty and peace, my peeps.

Mahalo!

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