Beauty Is Truly In The Beholder

Helga the luna moth on the bedroom screen

In anticipation of a travel day Wednesday, I am cheating and writing this post on Tuesday. Monday night, as I was turning off the light and getting ready for bed, I saw this green monstrosity on the bedroom screen. It took me aback. I showed my brother. We were horrified and fascinated simultaneously. What if it was some sort of alien or monitoring device? When you watch too much political news and read too much Orwell, your mind tends to go to that place rather than moth. Eventually, we go there. For an hour or two, while I read 1984, I kept the light on, until I could no longer keep my eyes open. I finally shut off the light. I heard something on the screen. My imagination got the best of me. If I had felt anything swipe across my skin at that time, I would've immediately soiled myself thinking it was this bug. When I showed the photograph to my mother and aunt, they both called it "beautiful". That was their first impression. Beautiful. With this and the conversation my brother and I had wondering if this could be the most gentle insect in the world, just startling in its size, I finally broke down and Googled "large green moth". The luna moth immediately popped up. I knew at first sight, this was the moth from the screen. I immediately loved the name.

Internet picture of luna moth (not Helga).

I had to look at it a little longer and read some facts before I could wrap my mind around "beautiful" to describe this creature. After learning they lived about one week---without a mouth--- and their sole purpose was to reproduce, I softened. They are known to be gentle. Nothing about this moth is toxic or poisonous, even as a caterpillar. This reframes my opinion about this moth and the night of the sighting. No doubt I have more than a little bit of regret and guilt for negatively judging the appearance of this moth so harshly at first sight. Isn't this what I confessed to being a main reason of my own for staying fat? The idea that men would be so superficial and judgmental? Sigh.

Have I learned nothing from Frankenstein or the Metamorphoses or my own journey of being unfairly labeled the monstrosity? Sigh. I thought I knew better. But, I didn't. My own recent years of battling illness with heavy doses of prednisone, made me cushingoid. I became an unrecognizable curiosity to myself, watching my chins and cheeks grow, and my eyes disappear into mere pinpricks. My hair thinned on my head and grew on my chin. The judgments and discriminations became real, hurled at me and not just things I witnessed my "BBW" friends deal with. The shame of what I had become developed after battling, surviving and living through the worst of the pain, being a "spoonie", an amputated toe, chemotherapy (IV and oral). For over a year, I was a live specimen for the young doctors in residence to study without any regard that I had to shuffle back to my hovel and live my unsightly existence. To them, I was a wonderful case study rather than a person. The actual doctor they studied under did NOT treat me this way.

Thankfully, I had a support system and meditation. I had Buddhism, Jesus, Malas and prayer. I had perspective. I certainly had my low moments and there were many times I just didn't want to be out of the house for fear of the stink eyes and judgments that may or may not have been real. It was as if I put people at ill-ease with my physical form, much like Gregor Samsa and that I should lock myself back into my room, hiding under the couch or behind a painting on the wall, or even a under a blanket or shawl. Even today, when I choose to eat a donut or Flautas out in public at a restaurant, I sometimes notice the flash of the wait staff's eyes over my body and the raised eyebrow of disapproval. There is a flicker of judgment. I've even had waitstaff put Splenda in my coffee (rather than the rare times I do order sugar), I guess to help me. Some places have "accidentally" given me diet soda or unsweetened tea, not understanding that I had planned for the sugar drink; it wasn't a normal thing. Some people also are very surprised I'm not diabetic or pre-diabetic. My sugars are fine. Some people are surprised that I can walk fairly quickly (for such a fat woman) or to learn that I work out and have more time on program than off. Aidy Bryant's Shrill is moving in the right direction (even if I didn't believe the character in the first episode, I LOVE what she's trying to say and that she is challenging beliefs/stereotypes/discrimination against obese people). Women like Melissa McCarthy and Adele have helped the world see beyond weight, as well as the Ivory ads, some of the plus size dolls in the Barbie line, and that more brands are willing to use plus sized models. Progress is being made, but there is more to be done. We start by challenging our own beliefs about ourselves and others. Is what we see the truth about a person? Do we truly know someone else's story or reasons for being how they are (physically, mentally, emotionally, etc.)?

And so it is for humans, so shall it also be for our friends in nature. I have a lot of gratitude for Helga, the luna moth friend who visited Monday evening, for re-teaching me a lesson I thought I had mastered. It truly is best to challenge our judgements solely on appearances. We just might find something wonderfully delightful, if we are courageous enough to move beyond our fear and take the time to be curious and compassionate. (*Common sense warning: use your instinct, inner warning radar and be cautious about any unknown plants, animals and humans that could be a potential threat based on things other than just strictly being "ugly" or "unsightly". )

Walk in all kinds of beauty and peace; be excellent to each other, my peeps.

\m/\m/